Currently Listening Sam's Town By The Killers why do i keep counting? see related

movin' out

yup. this baby bird is leaving the nest on monday. after talking with my family, friends, and therapist, i have decided to go ahead and move out. i'm moving in with one of my best friends, elise. i'm pretty equally excited and scared out of my mind. last time i moved out, i had the time of my life, lived everyday as an adventure, and wound up back home and in the hospital. i would be lying if i said i wasn't worried things might turn out the same (or even worse) this time, but i'm going to do everything in my power to make sure they don't. i've been doing really well in my recovery lately, and something amazing has happened over the past two weeks. i've started experiencing peace. having a "good" day is one thing, ie: not restricting, binging or purging. but having peace is completely different. that realization at the end of the day that you weren't entirely consumed by thoughts of food and weight. the knowledge that you ate just fine without putting to much effort into it, and the feeling that maybe thats okay. its only happened a couple of times, but just those few days have given me a renewed hope that something amazing is in the future. and while i still believe fully in taking things one day at a time, every so often you've got to bypass the baby steps for one of those scary leaps into the unknown. afterall, taking baby steps forever means you may never grow up. so i'm leaving. and as scared as i am, i also know that i am a completely different person than i was when i left this time last year. i have more confidence, more faith, and more drive. i also have the benefit of seeing the future. no, i'm not psychic (although that would be helpful), but i've been down that road now, i know where it winds up. and its not to terribly fun. as a matter of fact its a lot like hell. i can no longer convince myself that i'm only affecting myself, or that i will be able to do the eating disorder and still do school/work/life/etc. because i know thats not true. and this strange thing has happened over the past few months: i've learned that i like those things. i like life. that depression that has plagued me since i was a pre-teen has finally dimmed just enough for me to see that maybe there is a light at the end of this tunnel. and maybe its worth it to see it through the end.

so monday i'm leaving.

here goes nothing.

i'm not sure what to write about. let's just try whatever's on my mind.

i love my little brothers. if there was one regret i had about moving so far away for school it was that i was taking a chance on missing out on their lives. but it's good to be able to watch them grow. even if they are growing up entirely to fast for my liking.

it's really bizarre thinking of my oldest brother, evan, as twelve. i think back to when i was that age and i wonder what's going through his mind. he's only a year younger than i was when many of the events that shaped my life came raining down like fire and brimstone. i just want to protect him. i want him to be a kid. i want him to stay weird. to stay little. but i can't do that, and it's not only because he is officially taller than me, its because those events shaped me, and i can't stop whatever may come across his path from shaping him. he's gonna be an awesome big kid. i can tell.

i think maybe sort of kindof probably i'm starting to accept not going to school next semester. there's a reason for everything, right? so i guess i just wasn't ready for tcc. or maybe tcc just wasn't ready for me.

oops, got to cut this one short. dad needs the compooper. buh-bye now.

Currently Listening Mezmerize By System of a Down radio video see related

hard times

so i just found out that i won't be able to go to school in the fall. SLU madrid is holding my transcript because i still have a balance from the portion of last semester i lived on campus. we've been trying to negotiate tem through the counselor that sent me home in order to get it released, but they won't budge. and since i applied to TCC as a transfer, apparently there is absolutely no way i can take any classes unless they get my transcript in to confirm that i was indeed in school. i asked if i could unenroll and re-enroll as a freshmen, or if i could just take some classes, and they said no.

i'm so frustrated and disappointed. after everything that happened last semester, i just want to move on with my life. but no, i have to spend yet another 5 months thinking about the fact that i screwed up. haven't i been punished enough? i mean geez its bad enough to be missing spain constantly and knowing i can't go back, but now i can't even get into tcc. i can't even go to community college. i feel like such a failure. and all i want to do is be in school. i've known what i've wanted to do for longer than i can remember, and when i went to spain, i felt like my dream was so close to becoming reality, like i was taking real steps towards doctors w/o borders and nursing. but now i feel like its drifting further and further away. and i know that school is just going to be harder when i go back, since i will have been out of it for at least a year.

sorry for the vent. i'm just really pissed. and i'm tired of acting content and like everything has gotten all better. yes, i got help, i took steps, i'm in recovery. but everything still feels the same. i can't kick depression, i can't kick lonliness, i can't kick that nagging wish that i would wake up and be back in spain. and its not just spain i miss, its that whole lifestyle. i miss partying, i miss drinking, and when i'm honest, i miss the eating disorder, or at least using those things to not have to feel. i miss being crazy and detached and tired, because sometimes that seems better than having to actually face things. its hard actually living life, i wish i could just stick my head back in the sand.

vent: complete.

i will wait for you

it's about hope.

it's about peace.

it's about being free.

Currently Listening Vheissu By Thrice see related

lyrics. make of them what you will.

for miles.

i know one day, all our scars will disappear, like the stars at dawn
and all of our pain, will fade away when morning comes
and on that day when we look backwards we will see, that everything is changed
and all of our trials, will be as milestones on the way

and as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone's broken heart
and there's no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends

on that day all of the scales will swing to set all the wrongs to right
all our tears, and all of our fears will take to flight
but until then all of our scars will still remain, but we've learned that if we'll
open the wounds and share them then soon they start to heal

(as long as we live, we are bridges to someone broken heart
there's no greater love, shed your blood for your friends)

we must see that every scar is a bridge, and as long as we live
we must open up these wounds
when some one stands in your shoes and will shed his own blood
there's no greater love. we must open up our wounds